One day in the kitchen

Parent 1: What the hell are we going to do for the birthday?

Parent 2: I thought you were going to take them to McDonalds?

P1: Not after last year I'm not. We still can’t walk past the place.

P2: How about a magician?

P1: And what is it about the last one letting that pigeon shit all over the living room you don’t remember?

P2: Oh, that’s right…and the kids didn’t respond that well did they?

P1: No, they did not. Who knew pigeons had so much stuff inside them?

P2: Ok then, how about a human statue? A human statue couldn’t cause much trouble.

P1: Let me think about that for a minute.

P2: No seriously, we could have a living cowboy statue just standing in the corner for the whole party. The kids could make faces at him and poke him and stuff.

P1: I’m not sure a cowboy would be so interesting. How about a James Bond-type woman painted gold?

P2: I was thinking more like a centurion or a character from Narnia or a mermaid. Even a Devil might be fun.

P1: Why not ask for a tree statue or a hobbit statue. Besides, it's all academic. I'm not sure you can even hire human statues.

But indeed you can.

One day in the TV studio

Director: Here’s your script, Mr. Dali

Dali: (reads) First it dissolves. Happy bubbles but devoted bubbles. The Alka-Seltzer shoots into the stomach. Here it neutralises the bad excess acid. Meanwhile this specially popular aspirin is speeding into your blood stream and places of pain so those beautiful places will feel beautiful again. Alka-Seltzer is a work of art. Truly one of a kind.

Director: OK?

Dali: Yes, it is good. I will make only one small change.

And he did.

One day in the offices of J C Crew

Manager: I’m loving the sales of shirts and tops and knitwear shawls but what the hell's going on down in the pant division?

S: They’re a tough sell. I think you'd be surprised at the number of people who don’t like things with two legs.

M: OK, I'm thinking niche. I’m getting some buzz  for instance that the art world is ready for its own pant. A pant that will speak for a new generation of individualists.

S: How about a radical cut-off short pant or maybe even a rugged jean?

M: Is there something about them all being women that you don’t understand?

S: Right. So it’s all about colour then.

M: Exactly. A colour will shout out ‘I CURATE”

S: Oh. Curators. Why didn’t you say so? A curator pant.

M: Absolutely

S: Assertive but not opinionated. Inclusive rather than selective.

M: Exactly.

S: In that case we’re talking lime green

And so they were.

One day in the publisher’s office

Editor: I think it’s about time we did another big New Zealand art book. 

Publisher: Lavish. 

E: Huh? 

P: Lavish. Art books. We call them lavish. You know, not big, Lavish. Or sometimes big and lavish. But never just big. 

E: OK then, a lavish art book. Something that picks up the threads and weaves them together to create an image of our culture. 

P: A history of painting in other words. 

E: I was thinking more than that, like, you know, sculpture, photography, performance, installation, video .... 

P: No, no, let’s stick with painting. Less complicated, more popular. It's what people expect when the see the word art.

E: But we already have a book on New Zealand painting. 

P: We do? 

E: Yes. 200 years of New Zealand Painting. We published it back in 1971. 

P: Great. Then let’s update it. 

E: We already did. 

P: Damn. How long ago? 

E: 1990 

P: But that was … I don’t know … lots of years ago. 

 E: Eleven. 

P: Brilliant! We could call it the cricket update then. Maybe get Martin Crowe to do an intro. 

E: I’m sure I can find some art person to do it ... hopefully. 

P: Oh… OK. (counting on fingers) I’ve even got a title. Ready? 

E: (on the verge of tears) What? 

P: It's obvious really. 241 Years of New Zealand Painting. 

Which is almost what they did.

One day in the offices of Dr Seuss Enterprises

Director 1: I've been thinking that we need another Dr Seuss Fine Art Gallery out there in the world. Just having one here in Chicago and one in Sydney is small-time thinking, it lets down our collectors. 

Director 2: Do you think anywhere else will be interested? I mean, they're only reproductions, you know ... they were made after He died. 

D1: Ok, so He didn’t make them Himself, big whoop. He never liked the idea anyway. Frankly all this stuff about prints needing to be overseen by the artists or signed on the sheet is just professional nitpicking. What we need is some big-picture-thinking. How about stretching out even beyond Sydney. Is there anything like that?

D2: There's Wellington in New Zealand.

D1: You're kidding me?

D2: Absolutely not. Think about it. “Dr Seuss Galleries only in the USA, Australia and NZ". 

D1: Put that way I'm not so sure ... still, as the great Dr Seuss, God bless Him, would say “You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose.” 

D2: So ... we’ll do it? 

D1: Why the hell not. But it’ll need a lot of publicity to kick it off. And that means a big time NZ art celebrity to open it. Anyone spring to mind? 

D2: Sally Ridge for sure, I checked her out on the Internet last week. 

D1: Last week? … probably left it too late. How about some big shot art museum person? 

D2: Yeah, I've got one of them too, the CEO of Te Papa. It's the national museum of New Zealand. 

D2: The CEO of Te Papa. Open a Dr Seuss reproductions gallery! Give me a break. He’d never do it. Not in a thousand years. 

But he did.